So, to appease my friends, I recently went out to see Snow White and the Huntsman. I know: big mistake. I only went on the condition that I get make fun of it the whole way through, but even that caveat couldn’t save me: this cinematic abortion sucked the life out of me and left me powerless against the overwhelming mediocrity issuing forth from the screen.

The only good part of the entire night was during the preview for Breaking Dawn Part 2 when Taylor Lautner appeared on screen I shouted “TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF” which earned me an appreciative chuckle from the audience.

So we start off strong with a glorious V.O. from Thor who is reading the lines as emotionlessly as he can. After some obligatory nothing, Charlize Theron as the evil queen kills everyone and locks young Kristen Stewart up in a tower. Instead of just killing her.

I should take a moment to talk about Theron’s acting. She’s not a terrible actress – she’s been in some decent flicks and  generally delivers a solid performance. For Snow White, Theron reaches down deep into her bag of tricks to find a truly shitty actress and then flaunts it for the entirety of the movie. It’s like she decided to compete with Kristen Stewart to see who could turn in the worst performance and she very nearly won.

I’m not going to recap the entire story for you because I’d rather staple my scrotum to a door and slam it repeatedly, but suffice to say that absolutely no part of it will surprise you. The plot itself is boring, lifeless, and meanders through a whole lot of nothing, punctuated by poorly choreographed action sequences done in the shakicam style so you can’t tell what the fuck is going on. This film being over two hours long, I started trying to pass the time by predicting everything that was going to happen after the first thirty minutes. I got everything right. It’s as bland, formulaic, and paint-by-numbers as you can get. Stewart and Hemsworth wander from one set piece to the next without rhyme or reason, with no sense of rising action, cohesion, or anything to make it feel like we’re actually watching a real movie. Not terribly surprising, since this work of art was made by a first time director with some first-time screenwriters. The only entertaining parts was playing “spot the rip-offs of other, better films.”

In terms of Stewart’s performance, she does one thing well, which is looking pretty as she slogs through marshes. That’s the nicest complement I can give. Aside from that, it’s her standard Twilight performance, minus the hair-tucking and lip biting. Instead, she sticks with the tried and true method of looking mildly constipated for the entire film, and flaunting her front teeth.

The highlight of the film is Stewart’s dramatic speech near the end, where she rallies the villagers to her cause. She turns her ACTING up to eleven, and you can really see her try to reach down and find her inner Theoden, or Morpheus, and failing utterly. It doesn’t help that the speech during this scene is one of the worst pieces of scriptwriting I have ever heard in my life. It carries all the weight and gravity of Keanu Reeves reading his grocery list, except with a weaker climax.

I should probably spend at least a moment commenting on the good parts of this film, in the sake of fairness. They did actually manage to cast some good actors (Ian McShane, Nick Frost, Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, Eddie Marsan) as the dwarves, and they bring a bit of levity to the painfully few scenes they are in. Still, they are burdened by the script they were given, and mostly serve to remind us how much better they are at acting than any of the main characters.

Also, the score was excellent, but that’s because James Newton Howard is a fucking genius and apparently has bills to pay. Also, Florence and the Machine wrote “Breath of Life” for the end credits, which is pretty great.

Overall, I’d give it 0/10 stars. If you’re thinking of going to see it, don’t. If you’re thinking of going just to enjoy it’s badness, still don’t. Here are some things that you will probably enjoy more than watching this film:

• whiplash
• a root canal
• masturbating with sandpaper
• the cruciatus curse
• projectile diarrhea
• a colonoscopy
• cancer
• sitting through an ethics class