I went to see “Red Dawn” today, or, as I’d like to call it, Battlefront: Spokane. Because when you think of critical American cities, you think of Spokane. I have nothing against Spokane, but having been there a number of times, I can say with absolute certainty that, as invasions go, it’s worthless. In fact, here’s an exhaustive list of everything relevant about Spokane:

I knew going into it that the film was set in Spokane, but I figured at some point there’d be a throwaway line about some secret U.S. missile silo or hidden government research facility to explain why North Korea would give a fuck. Nope. Since the scriptwriters evidently don’t know anything about Washington State, let me help you out. A short distance from Spokane is a place called Hanford which just so happens to have a nuclear fucking power plant.

You can have that one for free, North Korea.

Our film opens with a waifish, sweaty quarterback failing to drive his team to victory, partially because he sucks and partially because the coach doesn’t trust him. Having established his Inner Turmoil, he’s dejected until he’s picked up by his ridiculously hot cheerleader girlfriend driving her sparkling Ford Mustang because that’s how high schoolers in Spokane roll. His older brother, Thor, offers him a beer afterward, but Quarterback prefers milk, and some Friction is established. Thor attempts to frown once or twice in his handsome, beer-swilling way. I would hesitate to call Thor a good actor, but that’s only because he isn’t. His only real skill is making ladies’ undergarments damp, and Red Dawn is no different. There was an audible moistening in the theatre when he first appeared onscreen, which was a bit odd because no one else was there besides me.

Next morning they’re awoken by explosions and run outside to find fighter jets screaming overhead while thousands of Asian paratroopers descend upon the sparkling suburbs of Spokane. They eventually turn out to be North Koreans. Originally, they were Chinese, but they were changed in post-production so the film would have appeal in the Chinese market. I find this just a little bit offense, although it’s not like the film is saying that all Asians look alike – no, actually, that’s exactly what they’re saying.

It turns out North Korea and Russia have banded together in a surprise attack and have basically wiped out U.S. defenses on both coasts and now control a significant portion of US soil, which makes sense. Remember Pearl Harbor, the biggest sneak attack in U.S. history, and how Japanese soldiers landed in the U.S. and were able to take control of the overwhelming majority of the country in less than 24 hours? Yeah, me neither. I’m not going to pull a Clancy and spend half this review verbally fellating the U.S. military, but I think any rational person would agree that the U.S. is pretty fucking powerful. And we’re supposed to buy that North Korea and Russia manage gain near-total dominance over the U.S. in less than a day? Right.

Midway through the film, it’s revealed that a Russian counter-insurgent specialist has been called in. When I saw him, I figured, a-ha, I know the rest of the film:  a daring cat-and-mouse game being amateur terrorists and this Russian military genius. Psych! Turns out that he was completely irrelevant to the plot and is never mentioned again.

Quarterback and Thor join up with Peeta from The Hunger Games, a couple minorities, and some women, and the plot gets going. Thor (an Iraq veteran) delivers a dramatic speech, followed by a 60-second montage, and just like that a group of teenagers transform into fucking Navy SEALS, proficient in every form of automatic weapon and hand-to-hand combat. Peeta, being the requisite (white) nerd, is able to instantly become the explosive and demolition expert. With the minorities as sidekicks and the women as occasionally useful basket cases, they mount a terrorist insurgency against the occupying North Koreans and a few American “collaborators” and spend half the movie angsting, arguing, and having meaningful conversations with each other. Occasionally, they kill Asians.

And honestly, here’s where the movie really falls apart. I can accept the utter nonsense of North Korea invading the U.S. and really, everything about the plot. And fuck it, I actually kind’ve enjoyed this film. But here’s the thing: if you are going to just abandon reality, you need to fucking own that shit. If I’m going to turn my brain off and try and enjoy this movie, I want to see 90 minutes of creatively gratuitous violence featuring American teenagers killing North Korean redshirts in unorthodox and semi-believable ways. You would think, for example, that a film about teenage natives vs. invading armies would feature at least one scene where they use their knowledge of their hometown to spring an elaborate trap.

It doesn’t happen.

Eventually, a minority gets killed which makes our white Quarterback feel some angst. After awhile some American soldiers show up to provide some exposition and the film’s “plot”. Turns out North Korea managed to own the U.S. by using EMP’s to wipe out all of their communications, even though that doesn’t actually work. At any rate, N.K. has a special Deus Ex Machina box that enables them to communicate, and if our heroes just steal the box, that might be just what America needs to get back in the game. Makes perfect sense, knocking out the enemy’s communications. Of course, our ragtag group of teenagers have spent the entire movie getting television and radio signals. Too bad neither of these could be used for communicating!

There’s a big shootout, they steal the box, and everyone is happy except for Thor who is unceremoniously shot in the head despite being the film’s leading man for 9/10s of the movie. Surprise! Turns out Thor was shot was because those damn North Koreans planted a tracking device inside the black guy. I’m honestly uncertain if they actually had an opportunity to do so in this film, but either way it doesn’t matter. Either way, the North Koreans had days where they knew exactly where our heroic terrorists were hiding and could have surrounded them and wiped them out, but they didn’t because they are the most laughably incompetent villains in the history of cinema. Anyway, they have to leave the black guy behind in a moving scene that reminds the audience why you can’t trust black people because even if they don’t know it, they’re guaranteed to fuck things up for the white heroes.

That’s about it. There’s dozens of compelling angles that this film could have taken, exploring the concept of freedom fighters vs. terrorists set against the backdrop of the Iraq war, or the struggles of children torn away from their collaborating parents, or the trauma of youths trying to survive in a war-stricken country, or the hyperviolent glee of white people mowing down dozens of faceless Asian redshirts. Instead, Battlefront: Spokane opts to take none of them, content to saunter through a meandering, plotless film that accomplishes nothing and does a piss-poor job doing it.

Still, it’s possible I’m being too harsh. There are some fun moments, like playing Spot the Product Placement. After watching this film, I wanted to drive my Ford F-150 while eating Subway and enjoying a delicious Coke. And isn’t that what it’s all about?