I was in a movie theatre awhile ago and saw a trailer for Warm Bodies. I was immediately sold. Setting: after the zombie apocalypse, a zombie meets a girl, falls in love, and slowly begins regaining his humanity. That idea alone was enough to make me want to buy a ticket.

Sure, there were warning signs, like the fact that they were clearly attempting to turn it into a quirky romantic comedy, but self-aware, self-referencing zombie movies can be also be incredibly well done – case in point, Zombieland.

When I arrived at the theatre, I immediately realized I was the only person present over the age of 14. I settled into a seat, trying to remember if my presence alone was in violation of my parole.

Overall, the movie was the tuna fish sandwich of the movie world – mediocre, but not good or bad enough to provoke any extreme reactions. It had a few moments, but overall, it was unimpressive. All of the film’s really funny lines made it into the trailer and what was left was extremely long shots of zombies walking extremely slowly, except occasionally, when they shifted into high speed. Consistency!

Anyway, a group of moderately attractive and incredibly hygienic teenagers head out from their fortress to gather medical supplies. A group of zombies, let by our undead hero, R, attack! Despite the fact that they’re only armed with high-quality automatic rifles, the teenagers are completely overwhelmed and slaughtered. However, R sees Julie, who is pretty attractive, partially because he just ate some of her boyfriend’s brains and apparently the brains give him the ability to absorb the boyfriend’s memories or something. So he smears about half a teaspoon of goop on her which is enough to mask her smell and leads her past the rest of the zombies onto his hideout aboard a 747.

The movie then enters the second act, which could charitably be described as “Nothing Fucking Happens”. Here is where  it starts breaking down. There is tons of potential here that the screenwriters do absolutely nothing with. R isn’t able to speak more than a few poorly formed words so he can’t really answer any of Julie’s questions or do anything besides leer at her in a self-conscious, self-referential way. They become friends and she starts falling in love in the same vaguely necrophilia way that Twilight does. But it’s not Twilight. See, in Twilight, Edward is a soulless undead monster with the overwhelming incurable desire to drink Bella’s blood which he can only overcome because he loves her. In Warm Bodies, R is a soulless undead monster with the overwhelming incurable desire to eat Julie’s brains which he can only overcome because he loves her.

It’s totally different.

R learns more about Julie by eating more of her boyfriend’s brains. I guess he went back to the scene of the kill and the rest of the starving brains-crazed zombies completely overlooked the boyfriend’s gaping smashed-in skull. At any rate, we’re treated to several close-up shots of him scooping grey brain tissue into his mouth, an image no romantic comedy is complete without.

But nothing happens. And then more nothing happens. They do some random things, like listen to records, and Julie teaches R to drive, and none of it really has any meaning or develops the characters in any meaningful way except Julie starts getting a ladyboner for the corpse that killed and ate her boyfriend. And that’s the really annoying part about the movie, the wasted potential. There’s a scene that establishes that R has a record player and a bunch of records that he’s scavenged from somewhere, and he chooses some music. I immediately guessed that he was going to try to choose songs to try to communicate with Julie. He can think reasonably well, far better than he can talk or elucidate those feelings, and so maybe he would try and pick songs as a way to tell her how he felt.

Nope.

I also was hoping that we would see a scene where he tries to talk to Julie about his feelings, or explain things to her, or really any attempt at actual communication. It would be naturally paired with his neurotic, self-conscious internal narration. That would do several things – first, it would be genuinely funny. Second, it would actually provide character development and allow us to see the budding romance between these two characters. Finally, it would be very compelling conflict. In all seriousness, a character who loves another character but is unable to express them because he lacks the mental capacity and the motor skills to actually say those words – that’s a compelling character. That is drama. It’s a unique and interesting way to explore this idea of a zombie falling in love with a human.  And, from a purely romantic comedy side, it’s something that will pull on the audience’s heartstrings.

Naturally, it doesn’t happen.

So, the movie is maudlin, predictable, and boring, and it proceeds to the inevitable conclusion where R and a group of zombies that have also found their humanity join forces with the humans and murder the shit out of the “bad” zombies and everybody wins! Julie forgives R for beating her boyfriend’s skull open, eating his brains, and stealing his watch and his memories, and they hook up. Everybody wins!

Seriously though. If you’re looking for a romantic comedy with zombies, skip Warm Bodies and go buy Shaun of the Dead.