Under the Skin is the type of movie a film studies professor would show to a room full of undergrads and then lead the class in a lively debate on the film’s subtext, mise-en-scène, and deeper meanings. Each student would confidently analyze different scenes, demonstrating they were able to parse out the Actual Message of the film, while carefully hiding their true opinion which is that the film is an incredibly boring and pretentious crock of shit.

To temper that, I will say there are parts that are well-made. One scene, in particular, is masterfully done – probably one of the most deeply unsettling and brilliantly crafted scenes of this entire year – but unfortunately, these nuggets of gold are few and far between.

Allow me to explain.

Plotwise, it’s fairly straightforward. Scarlett Johansson plays an alien who looks like…well, Scarlett Johansson, who drives around Scotland picking up random young men. (One of the movie’s interesting “things” is that most of these are not actors – Scarlett Johansson actually did go around picking up random Scotsmen and talking to them, proving once and for all that Scarlett Johansson is attractive) She takes them back to her place, they strip naked, and there’s an extremely long, full-frontal take of the men walking into a pool with their massive throbbing erection dancing in the harsh light before they’re brutally killed.

We never learn WHY any of this is happening, but to be fair, that’s not the point of the movie. The point is that Scarlett slowly begins to develop empathy for the humans around her and begins to try to experience human things, rebels, makes a friend, goes on a hike through the woods, meets a guy who tries to rape her, guy accidentally tears her skin revealing her true alien form, guy douses her with gasoline and sets her on fire, she bites it, credits.

As a concept, you can do a lot worse. The problem is that the film is incredibly, excruciatingly boring. Five straight minutes of Scarlett Johansson carefully making left turns through traffic. Four-minute takes of Scarlett Johansson staring, completely emotionlessly, at her reflection in the mirror. You might think I’m exaggerating. I assure you that I am not. You could argue, of course, that the film is trying to accentuate her alien nature. The audience gets that. A thirty-second take of nothing happening is more than enough. By one minute, the audience has been jarred out of the movie experience and is actively wondering if the projector has frozen. By a minute thirty the audience is asking themselves “Why the FUCK is this scene so long?” By the two minute mark the audience is actively questioning the life choices that have led them to the theater. And that’s simply not good filmmaking.

Under the Skin has an interesting movie buried inside it, unfortunately, that movie’s about twenty minutes long, leaving ninety minutes of Scarlett practicing omphaloskepsis.

Here’s a test: get the timer on your cell phone and set it for four minutes. Stare at the above image for the entire time without looking away or doing anything else. At the end, if you enjoyed the experience, I’ve got great news: you’re going to love this movie.