I remain genuinely surprised at how much I like Florida. The heat is oppressive, the humidity is terrible, and shit constantly seems to be going down (right after I entered Florida I saw a car on fire next to the freeway) but all things considered, it’s a beautiful state. If I had to pick somewhere to live in the South, I’d pick southern California, but if I had to pick again, I’d pick Austin Texas, but if I had to pick again, I’d pick Santa Fe, New Mexico, but if I had to pick again, I’d pick Florida. That’s how much I like it.

From Fort Myers, I went south to visit the Everglades. The Everglades are basically a giant swamp, and if you like spending time in swamps, they’re pretty cool. For me, the alligators were excellent, and everything else was kinda meh. I do think the Everglades would be much cooler if they involved airboat rides, but the mask usage on the airboat rides (and in Florida overall) was so terrible I was not at all comfortable getting on an airboat).

Unfortunately, it seems that feeding the alligators is strictly prohibited, although there were a *lot* of tourists where I wanted to skirt the prohibition by pushing them in. I feel like if someone is openly flaunting mask regulations, and you push them into a pit of alligators, any reasonable jury would consider that justified self-defense, particularly in George Zimmerman’s Florida.

I did a few hikes around the Everglades, which served as a solid reminder of how much I dislike the heat and humidity. The great thing about hiking in the Pacific Northwest is that it’s either cold as fuck or at least neutral, and hiking is almost always a good experience, but in the south, it’s like walking through a sauna with a damp rag tied over your face.

Originally, I’d planned to drive down to Key West and back, but some additional Googling told me a bit about just how long that would take, plus a concerned friend (to keep her identity private, I will only refer to as “Amy Jane”) told me that it might be a goddamn nightmare if there was a traffic accident. So I just went to Key Largo, and then headed back up and stopped in Florida City, south of Miami, where things started immediately to go sideways.

I checked into my motel, utterly exhausted, and immediately did an Irish Car Bomb, just to take the edge off. Then a second one, to file down the edges a bit further. Then I fired up Doordash to look at dinner options. The wifi is agonizingly slow. A local BBQ place looked promising, so I selected my options and attempted to place an order. After it errored out, I refreshed everything and it told me that they could no longer deliver. It was 8:32 PM.

I went back to the drawing board. Next up I found a local bakery that specialized in authentic Cuban sandwiches. After Cuban sandwiches are basically the greatest thing since sliced bread, so I fired up a new order. At length, I try to submit the order. It errors out and says it can’t place the order. I refresh everything. Finally it tells me this Cuban place could no longer deliver. It is now 8:46 PM.

I go back to Doordash. Every single fucking restaurant there is now closed. In Florida City, FL, all dining options end at 8:45 PM.

Fair enough. I still have options. I head outside the hotel room and walk down the street to the Burger King. When I arrive, the employees mime driving toward me, poorly. They will not allow me inside. Drive-through only.

The Irish Car Bombs weigh heavily in my stomach. Strike that. They weigh nicely. I feel great! But I should probably not drive. I walk the opposite direction to the Taco Bell, the only other restaurant in sight. Once I arrive, they also tell me they are pickup only.

Defeated, I go back to my room. I look up every other delivery service. They all fail me.

Finally, I eat a dinner of string cheese and smoked almonds and beef jerky and stale potato chips and while it’s overwelmingly awesome, (compare it to what starving people have to eat) it’s a bit disappointing.

The next day, I head to Miami. I am chiefly concerned with getting an authentic Cuban cubano which seriously, are the Mona Lisa of sandwiches, so I go to a very highly rated local place. Despite ordering in advance, I have to wait about 45 minutes at the shop, and after getting my order, they have both screwed it up and it’s not that great in the first place.

Still, I like Miami. It’s a beautiful city with beautiful beaches. Previously, someone told me that Miami was entirely filled with hot, skinny people who were far too attractive for me and that rings true. I have never seen a location with more shirtless hotties.

From there, I headed north. I had planned to visit a friend in Boca Raton, but in a cruel twist of fate, they (potentially) were exposed to COVID today, so I decided not to risk things.

I have noticed (particularly when travelling alone) that the travelling itself is exhausting, and it really makes it more difficult to do things along the journey. I’m 2.5 weeks in, but still, when I get to a stopping point, I just want to have a drink and then crawl into bed. I really need to plan both shorter days and rest days to get the most out of this road trip.