Everyone and their mother is watching The Walking Dead nowadays, because it’s about zombies. As a society, we’ve  already passed the point where zombies moved from being awesome to jumping the undead shark, and then society managed to slingshot itself around a nearby planet, go back in time, and have zombies continue to be pretty awesome.

Also, it’s a really good show.

I enjoy serial television, however, I dislike waiting a full week between episodes of an ongoing story. Generally, I wait until the season is completed (and, often, out on DVD or Netflix) before sitting down to watch the entire season. This may or may not be why this article is coming out midway through season three.

Believe it or not, I actually really enjoyed Season Two of The Walking Dead. It was a bit of a step down from the first season, but the combination of solid acting, excessive violence, and constant threat of impending death hit the television sweet spot I crave.

That being said, I had a few problems with it.

          1. The entire season takes place on a fucking farm.

Don’t get me wrong, farms are great. Sure, the cell service is terrible, you’re miles from every type of modern convenience that makes life tolerable, and every breath you take is flavored with the delicate aroma of rotting cow shit, but on the plus side, there aren’t many people. I also understand the internal logic of the characters: that same lack of people makes hiding out on a farm a pretty solid idea. Here’s my problem, though: when you’re trying to make a show about a ragtag group of stragglers desperately trying to survive against the overwhelming odds of a worldwide zombie menace, it doesn’t help the show if you remove zombies from the fucking equation.

It’s like they made a season of 24 but instead of fighting terrorists, Jack spends 24 hours vacationing in Aruba and arguing with Tony Almeida about the quality of room service and whether Tony wants to fuck Jack’s girlfriend.

          2. T-Dog.

Drawing a blank? It’s

He’s actually in 12 of the 13 S2 episodes, which is surprising because he has about 17 minutes of screentime. In a season where virtually every single character has some kind of character arc (with the exception of a few farmhands who only exist to become zombie chum), T-Dog has no character arc whatsoever. In fact, here’s an exhaustive list of every single thing he does this season:

• Is black

To be fair, IronE Singleton is actually really good at being black and pulls it off effortlessly. You catch glimpses of him throughout the season in the camera’s periphery, doing mindless activity like chores and sweating. A show set on a farm in the South where the only black guy is relegated to doing manual labor. The irony is spectacular.

Admittedly, the show is not great on diversity, despite having an Asian bang Lauren Cohen, which leads me to my third point –

          3. The Women

There’s a pretty solid rule in Hollywood that unless you’re white and have a penis (alternately, being Will Smith) you can’t headline a movie. This is pretty consistent within television as well. As a refresher, let’s take a look at the three most badass, competent characters within The Walking Dead:

Season Two is basically a long, drawn-out explanation of why women are incompetent. Take Andrea, for example, who wants to be badass and fuck zombies up like all of the people with a Y chromosome. After nearly getting her face chewed off because she has a panic attack when zombies come around, she spends half the season trying to get a man to teach her to use a gun properly. Fortunately, Lori is there to bitch her out because there are womanly chores that need doing and “the men can protect the farm”, an exhausting task that involves sitting on top of a RV under an umbrella with a gun and a margarita. When Andrea finally decides fuck it, I’m not dealing with this gender inequality, she manages to shoot Daryl, mistaking him for a zombie. I guess that’s just what happens when you let the gentler sex try and think for themselves.

Of course, there’s more than just Andrea, right? Here’s the other female characters:

• Lori: worries about Carl, is a bitch. When she goes to town to find Hershel, she manages to crash her car. Fortunately, she’s rescued by a man.
• Carol: spends half the season worrying about her daughter, after her daughter becomes a zombie she spends the rest of the season grieving and flirting with Daryl.
• Maggie: fucks an Asian.
• Beth: is suicidal.
• Patricia: zombie chum.

Look, AMC, I’m not asking you to make all the female characters competent, although that would be nice. I would like at least one, though. That would be really great. They do exist in real life. I know that in Hollywood, women panic and make stupid mistakes in any crisis situation, then they usually trip and fall down and crawl away from their attackers instead of getting back up; hyperventilating as they go into hysterics and continuing until they are saved by someone with a penis. I get that.

Here’s the thing, though: in the real world, women can actually be competent. Even as competent as men. How, you might ask? Well, I know some.  I personally know women who are competent, collected, who know how to take care of themselves, who stay calm in an emergency, and who would be only too happy to calmly and methodically fuck a zombie’s shit up with a pipe wrench and a shotgun, and they could probably do it even if they weren’t wearing a leather catsuit.

That’s all I’m asking for. Can we please, for the love of God, get a decent female character is this series.