Wednesday, January 23rd, 1:22am

Contractions: 5:11 apart

It seems that the expectant mother’s garage door opener has finally decided to get with the program and ejaculate Lars out into the world. Some quotes:

“This feels like a chainsaw is tearing my torso.”

“It’s like a chainsaw on a softer setting.”

I’m not certain if the “softer setting” is really a good thing since it means it would take LONGER for the chainsaw to chew its way through your body, but I’ve never been pregnant, so what do I know?

Speaking of chewing through things, let’s talk about placentas, shall we? Surprisingly, babies are only the second most disgusting thing to appear during a birth. Placentas take gold. Essentially, they’re a giant tissue mass that acts as a kind of elaborate faucet to channel good and bad things between the baby and mother. They look more or less exactly like this:

Some people believe that they should eat the placenta after giving birth.

Unsurprisingly, this is a rather unpopular opinion, although the main arguments against it are “It’s disgusting,” which is perfectly true, but then again, so is giving birth. A lot of animals eat the placenta after giving birth, which seems to be reason enough for humans to eat the placenta, much the same way both humans and animals clean their young by licking them, or how humans occasionally dig through the litter box and eat cat feces. Plus, it’s not like humans don’t have handy bottles of vitamins freely available at the local grocery store.

Still, if Jennifer feels she needs to eat her placenta, I think we should all support her in this endeavor, and to that end I’ve prepared a few recipes:

Placenta Burgers

Slice generous burger-sized piece from placenta. Heat saucepan on range, add drizzle of olive oil. Sprinkle placenta with salt, pepper, and onion powder and add to pan. Turn placenta once blood begins to seep from top. Place placenta on hamburger bun after additional 3 minutes*, top with tomato and onion, serve immediately.

*If the placenta is less than 24 hours old, cook for only 2 minutes for deliciously rare afterbirth!

Chicken-Fried Placenta

Mix 2 cups flour, 1 tsp onion powder, 1 tsp garlic, 1 tsp salt, 1sp pepper inside ziploc bag. Beat 2 eggs in small container. Cut placenta into small bite-sized chunks, roll in egg mixture and then in flour mixture. Heat skillet, add oil, then fry until well browned. Serve with favorite dipping sauce.

Placenta Lasagna

Run placenta through a meat grinder, then substitute placenta for ground beef in your favorite lasagna recipe. Serves a large group, perfect for family reunions! Makes a great conversation starter at the dinner table.

Of course, the true connoisseur would not cook the placenta at all but just dive in with a steak knife and fork, since cooking is going to destroy a lot of those vital nutrients, and after all, do other mammals cook their placentas before eating them, or dry them out and take them as tiny capsules? No. No they do not.

Of course, most sensible people don’t eat their placentas. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun with it instead of just throwing it away. Here are just a few hilarious methods:

• Answer the door, say “Catch!” and toss the unsuspecting person your placenta.

• Put it in a plastic-lined box and mail it to someone you hate. Include a card that says something like “Like this placenta, you make me sick to my stomach.”

• Give it to a neighbor’s dog and let it carry the placenta home.

• Go to the emergency room and fling the placenta onto the triage nurse’s desk. Scream “This just came out of my vagina! Something is wrong with me!”

Remember, it’s your placenta, so have fun with it!