Wednesday, January 23, 2013: 11:38am

So, the baby arrived this morning. It was a little bit anticlimactic, and by a “little bit” I mean “completely”. Still, I feel like I’ve learned something by going through this experience.

• If you’re counting on pregnant women to provide you with text updates throughout the last stages of labor, they won’t.
• If you’re counting on the husband to provide you with text updates throughout the last stages of labor, they are probably too busy being a punching bag for their wife.

Mostly, I’m impressed with Jennifer, who apparently has the pain tolerance of an unholy combination of Jack Bauer and Wolverine. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to make it through the birth of their first child without a few dying screams, but apparently you can make it through with a colorful stream of moans, gasps, curses, racial slurs, and creative insults muttered politely through clenched teeth. I hereby retract everything I’ve ever thought about the wisdom of having a baby in an apartment complex because my roommates and I didn’t hear a thing.

So, let’s break down the timeline.

• Jan. 20, 11am: Contractions start, get to 4 minutes apart. Latent labor, 2cm.
• Jan. 21, 10:23pm: Contractions have tapered off to average 7:34 apart.
• Jan. 22, 11:07am: Still having contractions, works on finding a “happy place” during them. Apparently, this happy place involves the Wii fit board making fun of her husband for having poor balance. Then the Wii fit board called her obese. No word yet whether the Wii fit board survived.
• Jan. 22, 5:52pm: Inducing labor attempted by eating spicy foods.
• Jan. 22, 7:54pm: Contractions at 6:41. Apparently there was more “inducing” at this point but neither of them told me exactly what was tried. Heyooooo!
• Jan. 22, 11:02pm: Contractions compared to chainsaw chewing through torso, 5:11 apart. Midwife called.

Jennifer: “I want to strangle someone.”

Apparently she was holding this adorable baby beanie as a something to grip during contractions, although it would double as a tool to strangle the midwife if she determined Jennifer was still latent. I’m not sure how you use a baby beanie to strangle someone but I want to find out.

Jennifer: “Chewing gum helps prevent me from chewing on [husband] and also from saying foul things.”

• Jan. 23, 2:05am: Labor confirmed as the real deal.

Turns out the hose adapter for the sink that they would use to fill the tub didn’t actually fit properly, so they had to have someone hold it in place while heating up pots of water on the stove to manually fill the tub. Hilarious!

• Jan 23, 7:13am: Lars Ulrich entered the world.

Husband: “The worst part was when she squeezed my left hand digging my wedding ring into my fingers, but I don’t think I have any room to complain.”

For those counting, that is 60 hours of latent labor followed by 8 1/2 hours of actual labor. Isn’t having a baby wonderful?

And, I know the question that has to be on everyone’s mind: How are they going to empty that tub?

It’s too big to simply carry out the front door, which only leaves a couple options:

• Form a bucket brigade and empty it down the sink/bathtub bit by bit (probably best to use the sink so you can garbage disposal any chunky bits)

• Drag it out onto the balcony and dump it onto the patio of the people who live beneath them