Monday, January 21st, 2013: 11:56am

Preparations for any home birth are key, even if you’re just the overly inquisitive neighbor who will be listening and liveblogging the entire event from his perspective. To that end, I went to the store and purchased some crucial supplies:

The avocado, of course, is for making guacamole later. Chips and guacamole are crucial ingredients for any incoming baby. The beer should go without saying, but for the uninitiated, many babies (and especially first timers) are a long time coming. You need something to pass the time with.

The second part concerns preparing my car. As the neighbor with the sexiest (and certainly the fastest) car, should things go south I may be called upon to drive my neighbor to the hospital.

Many years ago, a family friend decided to experiment with home births and when she unexpectedly began leaking blood at an accelerated rate my father was tasked to drive her to the hospital at ludicrously unsafe speeds. She survived and I’m sure my father then had a badass story to tell all his friends. While I am certainly hoping for no complications, I must admit there is a possibility that my father may be passing on his baton to me.

I researched this extensively with Google Maps and figured out that the closest full-scale Emergency Room is Kadlec in Richland, 6.4 miles away. I did a test run last night, averaging 119 MPH, and made the drive in three minutes thirteen seconds which I think is acceptable.

To cope with leaking, I bought a bunch of Hefty bags and lined the backseat of my car.

I actually wondered about this when I was buying them today, weighing the unlikely possibility I’ll be called upon for a mad hospital dash vs. the very real cost of the bags. I eventually decided that it would be better to have them and not need them then need them and not have them. Sure, I forced myself to admit, that if I was really faced with a decision to let a pregnant woman bleed out in the parking lot like that unfortunate Yakuza businessman from Kill Bill or ruin my car’s backseat upholstery, I would probably choose to save the pregnant woman. But I might possibly hesitate, or maybe suggest letting her ride in the trunk, and hesitation destroys lives.

While I was prepping the car my neighbor came out and watched me. Figuring he might be concerned that I was preparing for a possible rape/homicide, I waved cheerfully and assured him “I am not raping anyone tonight!” He did not seem reassured. I tried again: “I have never even raped someone!” He went back inside and immediately made a phone call while watching me through the window, probably to reassure his wife that I actually have only the best of intentions.