Hopefully you weren’t expecting to see a movie about Spider-Man fighting the Rhino, because despite being heavily featured in the trailers, the Rhino is in the movie for about 45 seconds and has about as much impact on the plot as the spoon Peter Parker uses to eat his ice cream. Spoiler alert!

Admittedly, this movie isn’t really about Electro or the Green Goblin, either, it’s really a romantic comedy angst-fest about Peter Parker’s on-again off-again relationship with Gwen Stacy, his ongoing lack of a father figure, and occasionally arguing with Aunt Mae about being allowed to do his own laundry. Peter and Gwen’s banter is amusing enough, and is easily the most enjoyable part of the movie, but that’s because the rest of the movie is an under-developed crock of shit.

It’s easy to see where this movie fell apart, since the script is credited to about twelve different people. I can only assume they each wrote a 30-minute segment before haphazardly stitching the segments together and throwing $250 million at it.

After a lengthy flashback that serves to establish – well, nothing, really, since it doesn’t impact the plot in any way – we get an action sequence, which helps to wake you up after being lulled to sleep by all the nothing happening. It’s the last sniff of action we’ll see for the next ninety minutes or so, and instead we roll through relationship drama, angst, and spine-tingling sequences while Peter researches shit on his computer, Harry Osborne talks to people in suits, Gwen Stacy rides elevators, and Jamie Foxx falls into a vat of electric eels which removes his hair, fixes the gap between his front teeth, and turns him blue for reasons I can only assume are racist.

Eventually, the plot, such as it is, gets going. Harry Osborne is dying from a movie illness and he’s convinced that Spider-Man’s blood contains the cure. Peter, however, won’t give him any because it’s “dangerous”, which is a pretty good argument to use on someone who is not actively suffering from a disease with a 100% mortality rate. Harry points this out but Peter brushes this aside because he has the decision-making capability of a soggy waffle.

Electro, on the other hand, was Spider-Man’s biggest fan until he got shot by the NYPD and decided it was Spidey’s fault for reasons that aren’t clear and now wants to destroy the world or something for reasons that are also unclear. Electro is dispatched after about 5 minutes of CGI violence, just in time for the Green Goblin to show up, and you figure, awesome, okay, this is what this movie has actually been building towards. Thirty seconds later Spider-Man has handed the Goblin his ass on a plate with all the trimmings, and you ask yourself wait, was that seriously the fucking climax of this movie? Yes. It is. It’s the most anti-climactic movie climax since No Country For Old Men, but at least in that film that was kind’ve the entire point.

I don’t know, this might just be me, but when I go to see a movie called The Amazing Spider-Man I expect Spider-Man to actually be in it, and possibly even do something amazing. Sure, people probably wouldn’t line up to see The Boring-Ass Peter Parker, but at least the letdown would be easier.

To the film’s credit, it’s only the second-worse Spider-Man movie ever made, but that’s really only because Peter Parker spends very little time dying his hair emo bitch and poncing around New York City.

Rating: a disgusted sneer flittering across the face of Sam Raimi.