Monday, January 21st, 2013: 2:24pm

Part One

Brilliant Reader Mark wondered if the expectant mother would be willing to comment on updates in real time. This may or may not happen. It would certainly add a dash of authenticity to an otherwise wildly speculative process.

I was asked by the expectant father exactly how I intended to conduct a live blog of the home birth, considering that I would not actually be, you know, present. At first I was a little insulted: as an American and a patriot there is no need for facts to get in the way of a compelling narrative. At any rate, I explained my theory regarding the structural integrity of our apartment walls and my own theories on the length and volume of first time births, which is more than enough for an unscientific live blog. He promptly agreed to feed me details via text, which will undoubtedly be handy. And on the plus side, if his wife finds out I may have another use case for the Hefty-bag-lined backseat of my car.

The expectant mother (who, for privacy reasons, I will only refer to as “Jennifer”) is currently in Latent labor. Basically, this is the precursor to labor which can last a few hours or a few weeks, depending on how unlucky you are. It began yesterday, and the midwife swung by to check things out. Throughout the latent labor the woman experiences contractions but until the cervix is fully dilated, things don’t really happen.

To translate that over to RealSpeak, imagine you have a new Porsche in your garage and a temperamental garage door opener. You want to take the Porsche out for a spin but until the garage door is fully open, the Porsche isn’t coming out. Sure, you can go to work on the side of your house with a sledgehammer and some dynamite and take it out that way, but it’s better just to be patient and wait on the door.

When my sister Hannah was born my mother was in latent labor for what seemed like a month and a half but was probably more like three days. After awhile, we started trying to induce labor by taking walks around the block every hour or so. This led to us getting more than a few concerned looks from drivers wondering why an enormously pregnant woman was walking along the sidewalk with an 11 year old boy at one in the morning, including a cop, who, as I recall, slowed down, looked at us quizzically, then decided he didn’t want to know and drove off into the night.

Jennifer’s baby is going to be born in a birthing tub. Quite by accident, when I was hanging out on their doorstep holding a stethoscope against the window , I noticed the tub I suspect they’ll be using for a birthing pool when the time comes. It’s right outside the front door:

The tub is typically filled (or partially filled) with water, which allows the mother (and eventually the newborn) to slowly marinate in their own juices during the actual birth. This is considered preferable to the other method, where you don’t.

I did ponder the wisdom of leaving the tub outside in subzero (currently 27f) temperatures until needed, but I then remembered home births are typically accomplished without painkillers. They must be using the extreme cold to numb Jennifer against the pain.

Ultimately, the stethoscope trick didn’t pan out. Luckily, I have a friend in the NSA so I hacked into Jennifer’s cell phone and turned it into a listening device. They were arguing about whether the baby will be a Hufflepuff or Slytherin.