Tuesday, January 22nd, 2013: 10:56am

Contractions: 7:34 apart

Much like Godot, sometimes the only thing you can do is see what happens while waiting for him to show up.* I’m reasonably convinced that some babies are really just in it for the lulz, occasionally shifting slightly to get their mother excited, then saying “Psych!” and resuming their deathgrip on the inside of the uterus.

*This is where the guacamole and Irish Death comes in handy.

Eventually, you pretty much have to stop worrying about things and just move on with your life until that pesky garage door opener feels like working. You start trying new things and new experiences. Like going to see the film Gangster Squad and realizing that it’s easily the worst film of 2013, and worse, it will probably still be the worst film of 2013 once 2014 rolls around.

Aside from that, you can more or less go about your daily activities like getting soup or going shopping at CostCo, both of which provide one with incredibly fun ways to screw with people. Nine-months-pregnant woman attract people’s attention anyway, and if you’re having contractions while out in public, it works out even better. The conversation usually goes something like this:

• Passerby: *notices*
• Pregnant Woman: *leans heavily on shopping cart, takes deep breath, exhales, grimaces*
• Passerby: “Hey are you okay?”
• Pregnant Woman: “I’m fine, just having a contraction.”
• Passerby: *sheer unadulterated terror* “But….but…”
• Pregnant Woman: “Don’t worry about it, it’s just latent labor. Baby isn’t coming for a few hours yet.”
• Passerby: *nearly faints*
• Pregnant Woman: *straightens up* “Okay, all better. Hey, do you know where the jam is?”

Personally, if I was a pregnant woman, I’d have even more fun with it, like walking around in public places, suddenly screaming and falling to my knees clutching my belly and shouting “OH MY GOD THE BABY’S COMING!” and watching everyone freeze in horror. Then, after a moment of panic, I’d stand up and say “Just kidding! Fooled you!” and continue on my way, winking coquettishly at any attractive men who were looking at me.

At any rate, here are a few quotes from the woman of the hour:

“Contractions are like menstrual cramps and back pain (which is more like someone taking a bat and constantly hitting my back with it).”

“I can laugh myself into a contraction or sneeze myself out of one. It’s a complicated relationship.”

“The contractions get closer together, then farther apart…imagine an accordion…those are my contractions.”

“I feel like I’m going to be stuck here for awhile.”